Absolutely not. We are standing in front of some very sad-looking signage in what I think is a parking lot? Lot of peeling green paint. It looks like a garage sale that someone is having as a last resort, where everything they are trying to sell you is broken.
But at least you have a good lawyer there?
But the good news is that we are going to be hearing from some credible Pennsylvania sources with serious allegations.
Are you sure they are credible Pennsylvania sources with serious allegations of voter fraud? Are you sure they aren’t a man from Trenton, N.J., who is a convicted sex offender?
Hang on one second, let me check. (A long pause.) Sorry! No, you’re right, it’s the second thing again. Our bad.
Okay, before we go any further, it says that there’s a Beethoven concert, and then there will be words from the Founding Fathers, and everyone will be presented with a Fabergé egg. I’m assuming that all of these are going to turn out to be incorrect in the same way, yes?
That’s right. Beethoven is a dog. The Fabergé eggs are made by Dave Fabergé, a guy who is not that good at making eggs. The Founding Fathers are a ska-punk trio made up entirely of your friends’ older brothers.
Same with the Vets for Trump and the Nobel Prize-winning scientist?
Ah. Yes. They are actually veterinarians, although I think they are for Trump? The scientist in question won something called the Arnold Nobel Prize for Flattest Earth Theory.
And the appearance from the 2019 Super Bowl Winners — I’m going to guess they’re not, uh, what we would collectively agree to be the actual 2019 Super Bowl Winners?
I disagree. They did win the 2019 Super Bowl.
I just can’t help feeling that there’s going to be another shoe dropping here.
Yes, a bowling shoe, actually. They are an elite regional amateur bowling team, which is why they won at the 2019 Super Bowl, a tri-state area bowling contest that they assure me is extremely well known.
What is the Apple CEO appearance?
Tim Apple is not the CEO of Apple.
He’s the CEO of something, he says! And he’s appearing!
It’s exactly what it says: half of the dance ensemble from a local “West Side Story” production.
Do I want to know what “Appearance from The Pope” is?
I know it’s not an appearance from Pope Francis.
Well, no, of course not. It’s local used car salesman, Jim “The Pope” Gibbings! Why would you think it was —
“An authentic commemorative coin”?
We misspelled “inauthentic.”
And the endorsement from “the one, the only, the Queen of England, absolutely the Queen of England, the reigning Windsor Monarch, there should be no doubt about the identity of this person, it’s the Queen, for absolutely sure, just look at the name, says it right there” — I can’t help feeling that this is not going to be the Queen of England.
It is not the Queen of England. It’s the next best thing: a local burlesque performer whose stage name is “the one, the only, the Queen of England, absolutely the Queen of England, the reigning Windsor Monarch, there should be no doubt about the identity of this person, it’s the Queen, for absolutely sure, just look at the name, says it right there.”
She had an event at the adult bookstore and said she would swing by after.
So we are supposed to believe these people when they explain to us that the election was — full of fraud?
Yes. Nothing says absolute trust and confidence of the American people like the well-known figures gathering to make this statement at this very recognizable place, the Four Seasons (Total Landscaping).
And this is the best America can do?
No, no, this is the best Donald Trump can do. Two totally different things.
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